Red Carpet Fashion: 2013 Oscars

I am pleased to welcome the fabulous Natalie Nova to Short is the New Black for her first (and definitely not last) recap on Hollywood’s most glamorous night of the year. So without further ado….


A LOT went on with Oscar Fashion and sadly for me, someone who LOVES to judge the delusions and mishaps of Hollywood stylists, most of what happened on the red carpet was surprisingly good.  But don’t worry, I found just enough to make fun of and while I can write a novel on how annoying and unfortunate Anne Hathaway looked…I’ll begin with the better decisions of the night.

Honorable Mentions

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer-Lawrence-Pictures-2013-Oscars-DiorI was a little upset not to completely LOVE my BFF, JLaw’s look as much as I adore her. The Dior Haute Couture was stunning…for Katniss Everdeen’s wedding.  Not her fault that the blush pink dress photographed bridal white. So, it’s a good thing her makeup was perfection and she is definitely trend-setting with that back draping necklace. The bodice of her gown fit like a dream and I think we can agree it’s because she dedicated giving up food for Lent.

Reese Witherspoon

reese-witherspoon-oscars-2013-28141417Reese Witherspoon in Louis Vuitton looked like true Hollywood royalty. But mostly, I seriously believe that I inspired Reese’s glamour goddess hair because Hello? I’ve been doing the wavy, behind the ear thing since like 2011. Get with it.

Best Dressed

Zoe Saldana

oscars-2013-zoe-saldana-h724Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille Couture. So far, this dress has TOTALLY been underrated so let me be the one to tell you she is positively a Best Dressed Nominee. Can’t you just see her saying ‘Eat your heart out Bradley’? …That’s the nice girl version of GO EFF YOURSELF.  And he should …with that overly greased back coif and not even an Oscar win (loser). The lines of that dress perfectly shape her post-breakup toned to perfection body, the slit, the details in the bust and that belt! I can’t stop raving. Obv.

Stacy Keibler


While I cringe at her ‘professional’ wrestling background, how can I not commend this sister for moving from trailer trash fantasy girl to possessing our dream job of skilled arm candy? Homegirl works out and travels to Italy for a living, not to mention makes the silver fox Clooney look somehow hotter. She should win an Oscar for best performance in the ‘trashy to classy’ category.  And so, this Naeem Khan exquisitely detailed, on trend, silver gown has me OBSESSED.

Naomi Watts


Ok, my last best dressed was a tossup between Naomi and Amy Adams. Both these leading ladies looked WORTHY of an Oscar and just did it right. But, Amy’s hair color could have seriously used some gloss so, giving it to Naomi in Armani Prive. This Australian honey was SO on trend, her body was SO banging and this risk was WORTH IT.

Worst Dressed

Anne Hathaway

oscars-2013-anne-hathaway-prada-h724I cannot even deal with the overly humble good girl act. Who remembers her dominatrix drab when she casually forgot underwear? Secret sluts are the worst kind Anne. So basically Annie here borrowed my freshman year of high school homecoming dress and my bowl hair cut from when I was 3. I guess I’m more of a trendsetter than I thought. Her protruding nipples are as awkward a sight as if it were coming from your grandmother. Hate it. Over it.

Giuliana Rancic

guiliana_rancic_2013_oscars_red_carpet_18il4ek-18il4enI NEVER thought I would say this but yes, my Fashion Police sister is on my worst dressed! That hair is BEYOND flat and looks like a 7 year old the morning after Christmas. Do you know what I mean? That Rafael Cennamo frock is DROWNING her. Unlike JLaw, girl gave up food for Lent one too many times and she does NOT need to wear black. I mean, its Helena Bonham Carter-esque. HELP!

Kristen Stewart

kristen_stewart_scruffy_oscars_2013_red_carpet_18ilgr0-18ilgt2Can someone tell me why Bella Swan deserved to be there? I’m pretty sure K. Stew A) just got done doing the dirty with some no name director behind the curtains or B) Thought this was any other day in her awkward undeserving celeb life. She clearly couldn’t be bothered to comb her hair, apply some makeup or bathe.  It doesn’t even matter that I actually liked her pretty Reem Acra gown. Her boobs look weird and she won’t get any sympathy from me with those crutches. Even my dad was offended by this.

Natalie, I think we all can agree that you need to make guest appearances more often!

Who were your best and worst dressed nominees for Oscars 2013?




One thought on “Red Carpet Fashion: 2013 Oscars

  1. Melissa

    Ha!! I love how you report your best and worst dressed. A little edge is never a bad thing. Thanks for saying what we all were thinking!


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